Dealing with toxic family members is always challenging, but it can feel especially overwhelming during the holidays, when family members are supposed to share beautiful moments together.
Instead of peace, you might find yourself bracing for criticism, passive-aggressive remarks, or outright conflict.
We don’t choose our family, and we can’t control the things they do and say, but we can control how we react. This year, consider these six strategies for getting through holidays with a dysfunctional family.
1. Be the bigger person
Spending time with toxic people—family or not—can be very frustrating. These interactions can easily pull us into behaviors that don’t reflect the person we want to be. When you feel triggered or tempted to engage in conflict, pause and ask yourself: Is there really a point in arguing?
Some toxic people aren’t egotistical, and they might listen to you and stop doing whatever is bothering you. But most toxic people do have an ego problem. This means that they will not be compassionate, and they will most likely continue being problematic.
When dealing with such characters, try taking the high road—it’s worth it. You’ll be glad you kept your peace and avoided falling into the trap of disrespecting someone just because they don’t treat you respectfully.
It can be challenging to stay calm, and maybe sometimes you do need to confront them, but think about if you will actually achieve what you intended or just create more chaos.
In the war of ego, the loser always wins.
~ Buddha
2. Distance yourself
Toxic people often thrive on attention. While it might seem surprising for an older person to seek attention, age truly is just a number in this case. Even older people can be very immature and act without any self-reflection, similar to teenagers or young kids.
Try distancing yourself as much as possible. Even if you don’t have someone else to talk to or enjoy your time with, find comfort in spending time with yourself. And if there is someone you can enjoy your time with, focus your energy on engaging with that person and your positive interaction.
When it comes to the toxic family member, don’t avoid them in a way that creates tension. Simply maintain a respectful distance for your own peace. This might mean sharing only surface-level information about yourself or opting out of certain conversations entirely.
While spending holidays with a dysfunctional family, remember to balance respect for them with protecting your own inner peace.
3. Use non-confrontational language
Once you’ve distanced yourself, it’s time to engage—or not engage—in a way that keeps the peace. If you have to confront them about something, that’s completely okay; just make sure to use non-confrontational language. Using harsh or accusatory language could only make things worse, making them feel entitled to create more drama.
Try to remain calm and speak from a place of self-love and respect for both yourself and them. Especially if they are older than you, no matter how difficult they are, it’s better for our own peace of mind and your relationship to stay respectful.
Stay firm when talking to them but try to redirect your tone if it gets aggressive. For example, if they make a passive-aggressive comment about your job, calmly say, ‘I’m proud of where I am right now, and I’d prefer not to discuss work today.
It is useful to ask yourself: How do I want to feel at the end of the holidays?
Holidays with a dysfunctional family can carry a bitter taste, but most likely, you want to feel good, maybe even connected and fulfilled at the end. Keep this goal in mind if conversations start to heat up.
4. Maintain and reinforce your boundaries
Being respectful means also respecting your own boundaries. If a family member crossed your boundaries in the past, chances are they will do it again. In that case, there are ways you can reinforce your boundaries and point out their bad behaviour.
Powerful things you can say are:
- “I don’t appreciate that.”
- “I’m not comfortable with what you’re saying/doing.”
- “That’s not acceptable to me.”
- “I need you to stop (specific behavior).”
- “I would prefer if you didn’t speak to me that way.”
You can also take these actions:
- Before responding, create an awkward silence and make it obvious. Then, calmly assert your boundaries with one of the above statements.
- Excuse yourself from the space and take a few minutes for yourself. This might signal to them that their behavior is inappropriate.
It’s important to remember that toxic people are often immature, and the thing immature people hate the most is embarrassment. Engaging in a battle with them won’t embarrass them but rather challenge them to assert their dominance.
The only way to embarrass them is to remain respectful, letting their own actions speak about their immaturity and toxicity.
If someone frequently steps on your boundaries, take a moment to decide whether it’s worth addressing each time. Try practicing acceptance and picking your battles to be the most efficient ones; that will bring some awareness to them while keeping the peace.
Maybe it’s hard to stay silent, but a part of dealing with such characters is accepting that they are so deep in their problem that they themselves don’t have control anymore.
5. Deflect
Another powerful way to maintain peace during the holidays is by practicing deflection. When a conversation starts to get uncomfortable or heated, use your voice or actions to subtly change the direction of the discussion.
For example, you could say, “Let’s focus on something more positive” or “I’d rather not talk about that right now.” You could also shift the conversation by introducing a neutral topic, such as a shared interest or a lighthearted subject.
If words aren’t enough, consider physically stepping away or changing your body language. Taking a few steps back or turning slightly away from the conversation can send a clear message that you’re disengaging without having to say a word.
The goal is to minimize unnecessary negative interactions, especially with family members who may seek drama for attention or entertainment.
6. Plan Ahead
As the holidays approach, you may be dreading certain interactions, but at the same time, you might hope that things will be different this time.
The reality is, if certain patterns have occurred in the past, there’s a good chance they will repeat themselves. That’s why it’s helpful to plan ahead and prepare for these uncomfortable situations.
Think about the questions or comments your family members tend to bring up year after year, or the behaviour they keep repeating. Instead of expecting them to behave differently, focus on preparing your response. Imagine a reaction you want to have and rehearse it if necessary. By having a well-thought-out response, you’re less likely to react negatively.
Conclusion
It’s sad to think our family members can act like this, but the truth is people are complicated, messy, and carry unhealed wounds. Many never stepped on the journey of improving themselves, but you’ve chosen to take control of your own behavior, and that’s truly admirable.
As difficult as it might be, remember that holidays with a dysfunctional family don’t have to mean chaos. As long as the situation isn’t too much to handle, try to enjoy this holiday season and focus on the positives while avoiding the negatives. Keep in mind that these people don’t have control over themselves, so they may attempt to exert control over you.
Above all, don’t forget who you are and the kind of energy you want to bring into the world. Family can be tough—but you deserve a holiday where peace is in your hands, not theirs. Stay grounded in your truth, and make sure to find moments of peace and joy this holiday season—even if it’s just in your heart.
